I’ve really had to get my head on straight the past couple months. Since before my last article, “Red Pilled and Red Pilled Again” (I regret using red pill as a verb since it’s information, not an action), I’ve been struggling to keep a clear mind about a girl. This is coming from a guy that preaches about dating multiple girls, not getting oneitis, being masculine, and working towards the best version of yourself. But I’m in the same boat as everyone else. I write this blog not to preach but to process. To share my experiences and reflect. I want to open my heart to my readers.
I have to remind myself that I am not the same person I was when I was blue pill. And this is obvious to me in a lot of ways. I avoided a lot of the mistakes I first made. But my situation was also different.
First, I wasn’t talking to any girls, so all of this stuff was very internal to me. I changed myself as I could. And it made my life exponentially better. I embraced my sense of style, I embraced my masculinity, I embraced desire. I started approaching girls. I used new found knowledge. I realized that being agreeable, placating, needy, and overly attached was not what attracted girls. I realized that I needed to embrace being high value, masculine, strong-willed, assertive, and playful were things that were. I could start playing to my strengths.
I went from not being able to attract a girl, or if one was naturally because of my looks not pushing them away, to being someone I could be proud of. It took a lot of mental effort, books, articles, journaling and introspection and ultimately was worth it.
But it was only stage one.
The next thing was when I had a girl attracted to me who I thought was better than any girl I’d been with before (first mistake). At first, I was coming from the high of my newly developed and appreciated value. She knew I was an outcome independent and confident guy and that is why I was successful I developed oneitis. Not the typical oneitis but the red pill oneitis I describe in my last article. I think it was because I wanted the validation that comes with fucking a really hot girl. Like “Look! Look how red pill I am! Look how much I’ve changed!". I’m not sure if I wanted to prove this to other people or myself. It lead to me being a borderline orbiter. I dispelled with the truths of red pill I once held so true. Stuff like to never chase, never over focus on a girl, or never forget that I was the prize.
I was using red pill techniques for blue pill ends. And I was energetically different. I could feel it in my bones.
I tried everything to clear my head as much as I could, because I could not stand the thoughts consuming me day after day.
I wrote an article, took a trip, and spent an extended amount of time at my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu gym.
The only thing that actually worked was asking my dad for advice (who I introduced to all this stuff and he took to it like a fish to water). I asked him how I could shake this feeling. He showed me a picture of myself from when I was a kid. He goes “what does he want?”. I was completely immersed in play in the picture. I used to create vivid environments in my head where I’d fight robots, villains, and go on missions through treacherous environments. I answered him that “I didn’t know”. He then told me, “that’s because you aren’t listening to him.” He was right. Nothing I thought about was myself.
I had her on my mind when I picked out clothes. I used to wear whatever the fuck I wanted.
I had her approval in mind when I made decisions. I used to do whatever the fuck I wanted.
I had what she’d respond to in mind when I spoke. I used to say whatever the fuck I wanted.
I had her on my mind constantly. I realized I must think about myself.
My grandma passed recently. Unlike my mom who is constantly trying to undercut my masculinity, my grandma appreciated it. She liked the size of my arms, my dad teasing her constantly, or when I could lead her outside. I realized that the lens through which I saw myself was much closer to my mom’s than my grandma’s.
I build all this value within myself, just to end up not appreciating it when I needed to focus on me. I had to take the next step, and truly acknowledge who I am in my core.
And now I’m back on the horse. I feel empowered and free again. I am stronger than I was because of these things I’ve learned.
I’ve embraced these growing pains. I don’t cry over wasted time. Whatever is has happened is done and whatever will happen is fixed. I am happy to enjoy the ride and see what is next. I will constantly strive to be a better person. I am happy I have got to learn and I will become better in turn.
Thank you hardships for making me grow, and thank you young yams for showing me the way again.