Crisis of Motive
Many men fall into a trap, where they learn what is attractive to women and they make their life revolve around it.
It’s a crisis of motive where men do the “right things” for the wrong reasons.
“Women like men with muscles, so I’ll lift weights… to get women!”
“Women like men who have style, so I’ll dress well… to get women!”
“Women like interesting men with hobbies, so I’ll do BJJ and learn guitar… to get women!”
“Women like confidence, so I’ll change my mindset… to get women!”
“Women like men who are stoic, and unmoved by circumstances, so I’ll start meditating… to get women!”
“Women like men who are driven, have frame, and do their own thing, so I’ll be headstrong… to get women!”
"If I could harness my sexual energy I could be more attractive to women, so I won't jerk off or watch porn... to get women!"
“Women don’t like men who have women at the focus of their life, so I’ll make myself my own mental point of origin… to get women!”
Well, what if being driven and doing your own thing could lose you women? Oh, I’ll get rid of that then.
What if being stoic could lose you women because you’re not as easy manipulated? Oh, I’ll get rid of that too.
What if some women with think your fashion sense is shit and some women think big muscles are gross? What are you left with?
The truth is, with what's attractive to women being in the back 5% of my mind, I do what I want because I want to do it. It’s about being a man. I want to add things that are beneficial to my life and subtract those things that aren’t. Those things, in totality, obviously make you more attractive to women.
I lifted weights before I was ever getting girls, I did wrestled and did BJJ, and learned guitar (amateur level) while I was still unattractive to women, I’ve always been into dressing well and have “lost” women because of it (no frame but they claimed it was because I didn’t do the typical backwards hats or athletic shorts). These were the building blocks for me to develop the mindset and other things that greatly benefited my life.
Obviously congruency between your actions and how the world responds is part of any endeavor. I’m not going to take actions that put me into social isolation.
But the point is, I’ve went from working on myself to become more attractive to girls to wanting to be a better man no matter the outcome with women. I want to be a more authentic, congruent, strong, and determined man. I want to live how is best for me even if it means being alone.
All the asshole guys who were better with women than the late starters didn’t worry about how women would react to what they said, which made them more attractive to women. It’s a paradoxical situation, where if you do things not caring about a woman’s reaction you’ll become more attractive and visa versa.
The only way to overcome it is to actually stop caring and keep pushing on with your life.
And at this point, you should have or be learning how to be a fucking man. And that means doing your own thing strongly and unapologetically, not looking for approval from anyone.
This is why I think masculinity is the real talking point. This so far transcends any one endeavor in your life but makes up the cumulative endeavors and is an energy you should bring to anything you do. It transcends any one action you make or phrase you say but integrates into your whole being.
This is the way to live authentically and freely. Striving to be the best and most authentic version of yourself will make you better off than women, money, success, or anything ever could.
It’s only a matter of time
Patience is a Masculine Virtue
When I look at the situation I’m in now, I’m not exactly where I want to be.
When I compare myself to a year ago, I am amazed how far I’ve come.
When I think of myself two years ago, this is not even a person I recognize.
When I think of myself two years from now, I am excited and optimistic.
But I am not naively optimistic, I know that these things take time. My goal is to continue chipping away a day at a time.
It reminds me of a story my old wrestling coach used to tell me about three brick layers. A man walks by and asks each brick layer what they are doing.
The first responds, begrudgingly and condescendingly, “What does it look like? I’m fucking laying bricks.”
The second responds, pragmatically, while looking up at all the space he has to fill, “oh, I’m building a wall.”
The third responds, enthusiastically and excitedly, spreading his hands as if to visualize the immensity, “I’m building a cathedral!”
Everyday you do the right things and the things you are supposed to, you continue building your cathedral. If you look at any particular day, it might feel like you are laying bricks. The brick laying becomes tedious and you won’t see the progress immediately. Only when we keep in mind the bigger picture of what we are doing do we have the strength to continue on day by day with excitement.
It reminds me of a rule from the Book of Pook (which I’ve done a series on). Pook says “A man found himself in the company of lovely ladies. Alas, also in company were several men of high esteem. They were more handsome. They had more money. They had more charm. They were better in every way.
But this man knew he had the goods too, if not in such a polished way. ‘I will be patient and let the cards fall where they may.’ Notice that this was NOT inaction or an abrupt slowness. He did not let the lovely ladies’ attention get the best of him nor the success or failures of his competition.”
Pook’s younger self wonders why patience can be confidence, Pook explains that women will come and go but the focus is himself. He is what is infinite, and constantly ascending (maybe not those exact words).
Although this doesn’t exactly line up with what I’m talking about, the sentiment is the same, being able to patiently do the right thing day after day is a fundamental confidence and understanding of what is to come. He is not intimidated by the bravado or success of other men because he knows what lies within himself. He is patient as it blooms further and further out of him.
Without this sense of patience and confidence, it is easy to get caught up in the chase. Any particular girl becomes a chance to prove how far you’ve come. Any particular girl becomes a once in a life time opportunity because you aren’t certain if it will come again. Only when you have the patience to let things fall into place can you let go, feel free to fail and experiment, and not be scared or concerned if things will ever happen for you.
These opportunities only become more abundant with time. What many men forget is that while the value of a woman is INNATE, the value of a man is BUILT. Although women have the opportunity to extend this with various methods of feminine charm and household abilities, like cooking and cleaning, women lose value and expire as time goes on, while men have the opportunity to CONTINUE building their value. They do not have an expiration date because as long as they stay on the path of righteousness, they can continue to go upward. Even more so, as time goes by, more and more men quit, give up, or get complacent because they are tired of laying bricks day after day without seeing results (assuming they even started consciously laying bricks in the first place). These men look for an opportunity to check out and quit working on themselves for a life of comfort. This gives an even greater advantage to the men that understand the truly timeless immensity of what they are doing by pursuing excellence and becoming the best versions of themselves. While others check out, they only go harder.
No matter what they are reading, most men usually at least progress LINEARLY in the first half of their life. They get an education, a steady job, a promotion, and this is where Rollo says the comparative SMV (sexual market values) of men cross with those of women around 30 (the typical age of marriage. Because men are on the ascent, accumulating experience and wealth, women are on the descendent, with their looks starting to fade. Most men think their ticket has come in when women start becoming more interested and jump on this right away with a ring and a piece of paper giving away half of their shit and their future kids.
On the other hand, men like us increase EXPONENTIALLY. This is because we know what we know and what we have to work on, even if this isn't integrated into our abilities yet. We are not wondering aimless through the jungle day after day but instead have a machete, map, and a compass. We go to various places to read up on how to explore and forage and we master our skills and eventually our environments.
Take the most handsome and charismatic natural, without this information he is still worse off because he does not know what he doesn’t know. He is getting battered down by the feminine conditioning of society day by day and does not have the voice that tells him to keep harness on his masculinity energy. I would rather be in the position of a newbie looking at their first red pill subreddit post.
And so, I digress. Thank you for taking this journey with me day by day. I am happy to lay bricks because I have the bigger picture in mind. I remind myself of just how far I’ve come and with how exponentially fast I am growing I am excited for what’s to come in not only a year, but in a week or a month. Because everyday is an opportunity where I learn something new and become a slightly better man. And for that I look at my goals and say “It’s only a matter of time.